Sexy Things That Aren’t Sexy

Not that long ago, sexy was subtle and usually a variation of something we already knew.  Like the toe ring.  We were used to seeing rings on female fingers so women changed it up.  It was different, simple and fun.  And we liked it.

Lately, however, sexy has gotten way more overt.  Jeans are riding lower, skirts keep getting higher and thongs have become the norm…  as I wrote that, a woman walked into the coffee shop wearing a loose tank top and no bra.  I am pretty much looking at her entire left breast.  Suffice to say men are getting spoiled, not that we’re complaining.

And it’s not just outfits– my gym offers a pole dancing class where women can shake their money makers in the name of exercise.  Some of the women even dress in layers so they can actually strip.  And to think wearing a skirt above your knee was once considered risqué.

But while women continue to knock sexy out of the park in innovative ways (boy shorts, oversized shades), the line between sexy and not so much is smolderingly thin. So if you’ve found yourself doing any of the following you’re not alone… but odds are guys aren’t digging it.  Sure, you’ll always find someone who appreciates this stuff (there’s a reason women still do them) but I bet there’s a far longer list of guys who will thank me for finally spilling the beans.

Animal prints (underwear or outer wear)-

When I encountered a woman wearing cheetah themed underwear at the end of successful date last Spring I giggled to myself— where am I a brothel?  I think these might have been hot in the past but now, well, let’s just say there’s a reason you see this pattern most on Halloween. You’re not a leopard and it’s not 1975.

Jello shots, Screaming Orgasms and other “crazy” drinks –

When my friend Mark’s date ordered a “Sex on the Beach” and shot him a flirtatious look, he got uncomfortable. “She looked at me like this sudden vixen.” He recounts.  “If that’s what you like great but it doesn’t add to your appeal. Want to impress me with your order, do a shot of whiskey.”  It’s true, while fun for guys to watch a girls night out do shots topped with whipped cream, we’re not looking on thinking “now that’s sexy”.  Oh, and everyone in the bar hates when women belt out “wooooo!!!” after.

Breathing into our ear –

There’s nothing sexier than an incidental female breath in your ear but when my last girlfriend intentionally unloaded directly into my eardrum I felt like I was in a wind tunnel. Plus it hurt.  And mixing in fake moan doesn’t help– that’s actually kind of funny.

Playing with our chest –

The male chest is not a sex part so when you spend time kissing that area we get kinda bored.  In fairness, we spend hours licking and kissing things that do nothing for you so I guess we’re even.

Fishnet stockings –

I think these were popular during prohibition.  My old roommate, Gregg, agrees: “They remind me of those 40’s films where a lady is sitting on the piano with a long cigarette.”  Fishnets are a little too vintage for some and for others too brash, “Its like she’s banging you over the head ‘notice me!’” according to my buddy, James.  “I get it, I get it. You’re proud of your legs. For me sexy should be more subtle.”

Not wearing underwear –

This one’s circumstantial– incredibly sexy when it’s just for us but when we find out you spent the whole day that way not so much. See, when you go commando we think you’re ready for action with the snap of a button.  But if you’ve been al fresco at work for 10 hours, it means some other dude was just a snap away.  And that’s not hot.


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Responses to “Sexy Things That Aren’t Sexy”

  1. Kristen Coleman Says:

    That was well said…all of that just screams desperate and sad.

  2. michaelsomerville Says:

    Aww, we’ve all done our share of things that felt right at the time but looking back not so much… a little intervention never hurts 😉

  3. Meg Says:

    I just giggled. Seeing a “whale tail” (thong due to low riding jeans) is on its way out of style, hopefully for good. However, as my friend Julia would say, ‘wicked’ short, shorts and neon colors are in. Not much better.

    As for the fishnets and screaming in the ear… uh… blame it on the 100 ways to please your man article that comes out every month. They run out of things to write, so they print crazy things like, “braid his hair, it feels good…”

    Real women know when a guy says, “less is more”, they mean make-up, hair gel, and gum chewing. NOT… undergarments and common sense.

    Keep, keeping it real, Micheal. Always fun to read.

    Whiskey, two fingers, neat…

  4. Tara Says:

    My friend and I both laughed at your “al fresco” line. 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: